Is Paternity Leave Not Enough?

Taking time to be with your family is great, but only if you use it wisely.

Need a dose of happy? Check out this video of a dad spending time with his newborn son during paternity leave. Yes, it’s from Instagram. Yes, it’s from 2024. What do you want from me? I’m a 35-year-old man who avoids most social media like the plague; I’m frankly impressed with myself that I was able to find this and figure out how to embed it on Substack, let alone… you know what, let’s just watch the video.

withthealexanders

A post shared by @withthealexanders

A couple of initial reactions:

1. I know it’s a clipped-together montage made for social media, but any way you spin it, that’s the foundation for a beautiful father-son relationship, and we should all be so lucky.

2. Three months of paternity leave? Wherever this guy works, I need an application.

Of course, it’s fair to say that it’s an Instagram video, not real life. No one’s filming the 3 a.m. feedings or the diaper blowouts that defy physics. But still, there’s something deeply right about what this video captures: a dad who’s fully present. Not checking emails, not waiting for the clock to hit the end of his leave, just there (that said, kudos to him for getting video games in during nap time, game respects game). It’s a small window into what modern fatherhood can look like when men are given the time - and the permission - to show up.

It’s a time that isn’t just about changing diapers - it’s about changing yourself. The catch is, in America, many men never get that chance. Historically, only about one in four fathers have taken any form of paid paternity leave, and when they do, it usually lasts a week or two at most. Compare that to countries like Sweden or Japan, where dads can take months - sometimes over a year - off to bond with their newborns, all guaranteed by law. We’re behind most countries across the world, and not because dads don’t want the time: it’s because much of our culture and workplaces still haven’t figured out how to treat dads bonding with their kids as something more than an afterthought.

Fortunately, the tide seems to be turning. A June survey from the Global Strategy Group found that 89% of men support policies that guarantee new parents paid time off after the birth or adoption of a child. The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that 50.1% of first-time dads took paid leave between 2014 to 2022, a major shift compared to the nearly 80% who didn’t take any leave at all prior to 1994. That’s yielding results. Studies consistently show that when dads take paternity leave, everyone benefits: moms recover faster, babies bond better, and fathers stay more engaged long after they return to work.

But getting paternity leave is only half the picture. Then there’s the question of whether that time is actually useful: for the dad, the mom, and the baby.

The comment section on that video summed up the tension perfectly. Some - notably, moms - argued that paternity leave wouldn’t fix anything because many dads still wouldn’t know what to do with the time, saying men need mentoring before they can truly show up at home. Others pointed out that until men see caring for their children and households as their responsibility, not just “helping Mom,” the experience will always fall short of its potential.

I get where they’re coming from, though I do think it’s a bit uncharitable to paint dads with a broad stroke as clueless or idle. Most men I know want to be involved - they just don’t always know how, especially as first time dads. Parenthood, especially the first few weeks, is daunting. Everyone’s exhausted. Everyone’s overwhelmed. It’s easy to make mistakes, and you do a ton of learning by doing.

All of that in mind, it needs to be said: gents, the last thing your wife needs after giving birth - a process that’s roughly the equivalent of running a marathon while being hit by a bus every few minutes - is to feel like she’s taking care of you alongside the baby. Paternity leave does absolutely no good if you’re not actively engaging. That’s exactly why preparation matters.

The gap between wanting to help and knowing how to help is where a lot of good intentions die. But it’s also the gap preparation can close. The work starts before the baby arrives. Build up a small savings buffer if you can, especially if either of you will be on unpaid leave. It doesn’t have to be a fortune, but even a little cushion can relieve the financial stress that often hangs over those early months, especially when the average childbirth costs $2,854 out of pocket - and that’s with insurance.

Use the time before the due date to get practical too. Yes, read the parenting books, learn the basics - diapering, feeding, burping, all that good stuff - but also think beyond baby care. If your wife typically handles more of the cooking, cleaning, or laundry, now’s the time to get comfortable with those responsibilities. The goal isn’t to occasionally “help out.” The goal is to carry the load, particularly in the first couple of weeks, when you can sub in while she physically recovers.

When the baby comes, take as much leave as you can, but plan for the hit. For most families, paternity leave isn’t just a scheduling decision, it’s a financial one. Even a few weeks without a paycheck can sting, which is why building that small cushion we discussed earlier matters. Think of it as saving enough to buy yourself the freedom to be present. You’ll never get this window back, and it passes way faster than you think. I took time off when my son was born, and while parts of it were an absolute blur, I’d trade anything to relive those first naps on my chest, tummy time, and those quiet hours where the world shrank down to just us. It’s not just time, it’s investment.

But once the leave starts, you’ve got to lean in. That means doing, not observing. It means taking action, even when you’re not sure what to do. Be the one to hold the baby when they won’t stop crying. Be the one to bring your wife food when she forgets to eat. Be the one who folds the laundry, schedules the pediatric appointments, and keeps the coffee pot full. The more proactive you are, the easier life becomes for everyone - and the faster your confidence builds.

Of course, it won’t all be perfect. The first few weeks and months of parenthood are exhilarating, but they’re also hard. Really freaking hard. Almost none of it happens on a schedule, and there is a ton of improvisation. There will be moments when you and your partner are both so tired that you can’t think straight. You’ll snap at each other, forget things, and - my personal favorite - question whether you’re capable of doing anything right at all. But that’s parenthood. You’re both learning in real time. The key is patience - with the baby, with your partner, and especially with yourself.

There’s this idea that men “step up” after they have kids, but I think it’s more accurate to say that fatherhood offers you something. It presents the opportunity to bring out the best of you: not the polished, corporate, resume-ready version, but the human one. The one who gets up at 3 a.m. to let their wife sleep, who learns to cook to take some of the load off, who finds joy in small, quiet moments. But that opportunity can only be realized if we embrace it.

Paternity leave isn’t just about time off: it’s about transformation. It’s the rare pause in adult life where you get to build something that actually lasts. And if we’re lucky enough to get that time, we owe it to our families - and to ourselves - to use it well. Because no matter how chaotic those early months feel, they’ll one day be the moments we’d give anything to relive, just one more time.