Working Moms: Welcome Choice or Sad Necessity?

Two parents take on the most impactful economic trend of the 21st Century

Few issues better capture the tension between the traditions of parenthood and the demands of the modern economy than the rise of working moms. Depending on who you ask, it’s either a hard-fought victory for gender equality, a symptom of a broken system that forces families to need two incomes, or simply the new normal.

To help unpack this complicated and deeply personal topic, we’ve invited two contributors to our latest debate to dive in with unique insight and perspective:

Bart Theriot

and

Mother Hood

.

Each brings a thoughtful approach to the conversation, shaped by experience, values, and a desire to wrestle honestly with the tradeoffs facing modern families.

If you’ve missed any of our previous debates, you can find links below:

• Are Parents Overthinking? Or Are We Just Trying to Get it Right?

• Should We Embrace AI in Schools?

• Kids, Curiosity, and Censorship

Now we send it over to Bart to kick things off!

Mothers at Work

The Argument We Shouldn't Have to Make

By Bart Theirot

There are just over 24 million mothers in America and roughly 75% of them work. For most, the question is not whether, but how and when they should leave the home. A debate over the issue must necessarily involve a discussion of childcare. However, there is an inescapable reality that for children under two, there is no childcare program which can compare to that which an intentional, loving mother can uniquely provide.

The strength of an argument for or against depends upon how we value a mother and child’s first years of life together. We must also acknowledge that their health and well-being are inextricably linked. Each is affected differently by time spent apart, but these effects compound one another.

A recent study in Quebec found higher rates of anxiety, hyperactivity and aggression in children age 2-4 who attended extended daycare. The time apart also resulted in higher incidences of “hostile, inconsistent parenting, and lower-quality parental relationships.” This highlights the vicious cycle which exists when a stressed mother attempts to parent a stressed child.

And the earliest years are the most important, by far. A growing child will cover more developmental ground between the ages of zero and six than in all remaining years combined. One need only consider the differences between a six year old and an infant to understand this point.

Although American corporate culture does not yet share our way of thinking, reasonable parents can agree that mother/child experiences during these years are crucial and formative. A mother’s time spent at work directly reduces the time and space in which to participate in these moments.

Most childcare programs offer options from half day to 7:00pm pickup times. Plenty of children adjust well to extended childcare. But some infants and toddlers simply need more time with their mothers before separating or sharing attention with a group of children for an entire day. These children exhibit their stress in unequivocal ways both at home and at school.

The lack of parent attention may create a need which cannot be fulfilled. So children resort to attention-seeking behavior. Other children will show virtually no signs of stress at school, but keep it all together until they get home. I have seen extended day children seem to thrive at school, only to burst into tears when mom shows up after a long day.

But even if the child eventually adapts to the situation, some mothers may not be as resilient. For a new mother just getting to know her child, setting reliable expectations for future outcomes is like painting in the dark. So when that picture comes into focus, working mothers may find themselves battling their own misinformed expectations, attempting to undo what has been done.

I once read a heartbreaking-but-plausible theory; that in sleep training when parents let their infants “cry it out” the infant may stop crying not because they feel secure and comfortable alone, but because they have given up hope that the parent will help. What appears to be healthy social adjustment is actually the opposite.

Some children, particularly between 6 months and 2 years-old, will encounter similar feelings when separating in daycare for the entire day. The sustained emotional stress can easily lead to behavioral issues, emotional difficulties and strain the parent/child relationship. As the child goes, so goes the mother and maternal mental health is a strong indicator of a child’s general and mental health.

As head of school for 25 years, I have met with the working mothers of these students. They committed to restrictive work schedules without recognizing the value of an extra hour or two with the child at the end of the day. Or perhaps they never intended to work until 5:00, but the job changed and the boss is less forgiving of lost time than the infant (or so it seems).

Whatever the situation, usually when I suggest adjusting work hours to allow an earlier pickup, the air gets pushed out of the room as if I told an offensive joke to the wrong crowd. All that is left is the harsh reality that sometimes children do not fit into working life.

The world will always need good humans and good humans are made by good parents. Right now, most of them feel overwhelmed. Clearly, adding work concerns doesn’t make things any easier, but every parent worry is exacerbated by the strain of long term separation. Moreover, it takes practice to improve at the most important job you will ever have. Unfortunately, guilt has a way of eroding good parenting decisions, especially during the two fleeting hours between evening pickup and bedtime.

This all may seem a gloomy position for the head of a Montessori school, but every child is as unique as their mother. So these are only a few of the possible outcomes. And while there are more ways to get them wrong, the right childcare circumstances do exist. They just don’t come easily. Finding them requires research, creativity, clear thinking and bravery. So if you’re going to get out there and work, here are some boxes which must be checked.

At work and at home

• Use maternity leave to understand your own mental, physical and emotional parenting resources.

• Observe your child to attune to emotional growth, brain development, sense of order and flexibility.

• Seek out employers who will support you and your child and negotiate accommodations, flexible scheduling and family leave.

• Draw a hard line in the sand at a 3:00pm pick up time.

• Make every transition count; pickup, drop off, bedtime, wakeup and work travel. Be present and put your cell phone away!

At school

• High satisfaction with childcare reduces maternal guilt. Find a place that makes you as happy as your child.

• Find a childcare professional who knows more than you do and wants to share it. Don’t be fooled that working with children automatically translates to expertise.

• Look for high teacher retention. Ask about hiring rates in the last 3-5 years.

• Ask them why they do what they do with your child. Most daycares will happily tell you what they do all day. But the answers for why they do it will reveal the true quality of the program.

Parenting can be hard. Being a working mother will be harder. Some of the challenges are unavoidable, others are self-inflicted. The wrong childcare can be a dagger, but the right childcare can be a gift to you and your child. No matter what, great parenting obliges sacrifice. If you cannot achieve what you and your child truly need, your sacrifice must be to stay at home until you are both ready to handle more.

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Bart Theriot is Head of School at the Montessori Academy at Belmont Greene. Father of 4 boys and writes (when he can) the Stoic Parent, which he says is the sweet and salty intersection of intentional parenting, Montessori and Stoic philosophy.

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Moms Are People Too

By Mother Hood

I’d like to start by saying that this is not an indictment of however you choose to be parenting. I’m not here to say you’re doing it wrong, I am merely arguing for everyone to have an open mind and not tell me, or other working moms, that we’re doing it wrong. I’m not here to argue that all moms should work, I’m here to argue that all moms should have the choice. Freedom and equality, the right to choose; these are concepts that good people have fought and died for. I believe we should honor their sacrifices because working moms really do make the world a better place.

I want to first recognize my privilege that I even have the ability to write this letter. I was allowed to go to school and go to college and earn two degrees. At one point in time, this was not something females were allowed to do. Schools would not even admit women. Texas A&M University, where I went for my undergrad, did not even admit women until 1963! Here I am, a minority woman, who got a full-ride scholarship to go there. Now, I have a career, I own property, I’ve gotten to travel the world, I even have my own bank account!

These may not seem remarkable to you, but please remember that for a very long time, all of this would have been unthinkable for a woman, especially an umarried woman. “The suffrage movement began in the 1840s, when married women still had no right to property or ownership of their wages; women were shut out of most professions, and the domestic sphere was considered their rightful place. The idea of women casting ballots was so alien that even those who attended the landmark 1848 Seneca Falls Convention on women’s rights found it hard to get their heads around it. The delegates unanimously passed resolutions favoring a woman’s right to her own wages, to divorce an abusive husband and to be represented in government.” (from this article in the Smithsonian Magazine)

Don’t get me wrong, I wish I didn’t have to work. I do wish that I could stay home with my daughter and raise her myself. However, I am grateful that I have the option to work. If I didn’t have a job or income, it would not be good for my mental health long-term. I would go nuts and I would lose my freedom, and a mom going nuts is not good for my daughter. And when she grows up to do her own thing, I would be left with nothing.

So far, I’ve argued why this is all good for me and my own needs and desires and particular personality. Now, to demonstrate why this is good for everyone, I have to include this phenomenal quote from Elena Bridgers of Motherhood Until Yesterday:

“I also want to be able to hire a woman for my gynecological care, I want to be able to hire a female litigator if I am ever sexually assaulted or need a divorce, and I certainly want our government and educational institutions to fund more women doing research.”

To be clear, I don’t just want women in the workforce, I want moms in the workforce. I wasn’t comfortable with a midwife who never had kids, and I sure would prefer an OBGyn who had kids too. It makes them a hell of a lot more empathetic, and therefore a lot more effective at their jobs. I never ever wanted to be a mom, but now that I am one, I realize that I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Oh, I thought I knew, but I had no idea. There are sooo many things I understand now that you never could have told me, I could only fully understand by experiencing motherhood myself.

I am stronger, smarter, more disciplined, more laser-focused person now that I am a mom. I am way more effective even at my lame tech job since becoming a mother. Becoming a mother requires you to learn sooo much in such a short period of time. It requires you to get your shit together in a way that nothing else does. It also requires you to do a lot of emotional work to deal with the tiny’s emotions, and your own crazy emotions after giving birth. That’s the kind of person our society needs in all professions. Go search Substack for the topic of matrescence, there’s tons of great writing out there on the subject.

And finally, having moms in the workforce requires giving little girls role models of moms who work. I spend as much time with my daughter as possible, I’ve turned down tons of amazing job opportunities because they’re not remote with no qualms. And yes, I’d prefer to be with her more. But I also am proud to give her an example of a strong and independent woman who can be a mom and can also make a difference in the world. I want my daughter, and all little girls, to know that they can do anything in this world, including raising kids. Because that is the kind of world I want to live in, and that is the world I want to leave to my daughter.

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Mother Hood is a working mom in tech and strategy, trying to balance big jobs and little humans without losing her mind (or her calendar). With a background in sustainability and years in enterprise consulting, she’s seen how motherhood makes us sharper, not sidelined. Her Substack is where she shares real talk, lessons learned, and why moms in the workplace are actually a power move.