You are at a baseball game. There are hundreds of people around you. Can you tell me which ones went to daycare and which ones stayed home until school? Can you tell me which ones were sleep trained and which ones co-slept with their parents? Can you tell which ones were breastfed or for how long?
The truth is that your kids will be fine. Most of who they will become was predetermined at the moment of conception, and the rest gets filled in with stuff you don't control (you will not be there when they learn important lessons on the school playground). The decision to send kids to daycare and work or to stay home with them is a decision *for the mom* because it primarily impacts the mom. Does *she* want to work? Can *she* stay home with a rambunctious two-year-old or does she need a break? Does *she* want as much time at home with her babies as possible before they grow up? Does *she* think she will regret working instead of playing? This is a decision that impacts parents first and foremost. Pick what you prioritize, the kids will be fine.
I think we may have a fundamentally different perspective on the ability of parents to influence how their child turns out, which is fine. That's what my questions were meant to show. I take Judith Rich Harris' position on this, her book strongly influenced me. For what it's worth, I would always recommend parents stay home with kids as much as possible for their sake, if not for their kids.
I’ll check out Harris’ work. Depending upon what you mean by “turns out” we might be closer than you think. In most families, there is an inevitable point at which a parent’s influence and level of intervention drops dramatically. It seems logical that the later in life this occurs, the less time a child (or adult) will have to build himself on his own terms.
I found myself agreeing with both of these arguments. This has become such a divisive topic, as is anything involving children’s well-being, but I think both points were well made and respectful. I am a stay at home mom right now. For me this choice was essential for my own mental health and my family’s. I think it might have killed me to go back to work after the meager few weeks of unpaid leave I was offered. But I also understand how lucky I am to have had a choice to leave the workforce. I agree that the world is a better place when mothers infiltrate every possible field. It would be better still if flexible work opportunities were more accessible for mothers, so that more of us could pursue work we’re passionate about without having to sacrifice so much time at home, especially with very young children.
I was homeschooled k-12 as were siblings. My cousins ranged from daycare at 3 months with 2 working parents, to a SAHM and public school.
We are all fine, adults making our way in the world. Because our parents loved us and we shared a faith and a culture that sustained us. (In this case, Christian Puerto Ricans)
It's normal for moms who sacrifice for their kids to feel defensive no matter what the nature of the sacrifice. But it's not necessary. Less martyrdom would be ideal. And that would require people to keep their rude little comments and snide little judgments to themselves. A tall order I know!
Parenting and family are the bedrocks. But lately both seem to be great sources of stress. The question of daycare should be whether these pillars can support it or not.
I mean... usually the question of daycare is a question of finances. Cold hard cash. Because my mom didn't work we had to live 5 kids in a 3 bedroom apartment in an area that wasnt all that nice. Local schools were garbage so she homeschooled. My dad had 2 jobs. She cooked homemade meals and we read for hours- because there wasn't much else we COULD do for a few years there.
My cousins in daycare had backyards, they had gardens, they were on safe blocks in safe neighborhoods. They got to play outside. But they also ate a lot of chicken nuggets. And yeah, they saw their mom less often and they watched a lot of Pokémon.
I promise you in adulthood, you really don't see a difference.
Most people don't live adorable rich people trad lives. Tradeoffs are part of adulthood. I don't trust people who claim you can have everything. You can't. And you can have a good life anyway.
This was an incredibly thoughtful post. I appreciate the statement: mom’s in the workforce. For children to aspire to be but also having more empathetic and relatable providers.
I’m an infant feeding specialist and now after having my son I have such a different outlook at work when it comes to supporting families and their teeny tiny babies.
You are at a baseball game. There are hundreds of people around you. Can you tell me which ones went to daycare and which ones stayed home until school? Can you tell me which ones were sleep trained and which ones co-slept with their parents? Can you tell which ones were breastfed or for how long?
The truth is that your kids will be fine. Most of who they will become was predetermined at the moment of conception, and the rest gets filled in with stuff you don't control (you will not be there when they learn important lessons on the school playground). The decision to send kids to daycare and work or to stay home with them is a decision *for the mom* because it primarily impacts the mom. Does *she* want to work? Can *she* stay home with a rambunctious two-year-old or does she need a break? Does *she* want as much time at home with her babies as possible before they grow up? Does *she* think she will regret working instead of playing? This is a decision that impacts parents first and foremost. Pick what you prioritize, the kids will be fine.
I’m not sure I understand the question, but I will say that the effects of parenting methods are far easier to recognize than those of daycare.
I think we may have a fundamentally different perspective on the ability of parents to influence how their child turns out, which is fine. That's what my questions were meant to show. I take Judith Rich Harris' position on this, her book strongly influenced me. For what it's worth, I would always recommend parents stay home with kids as much as possible for their sake, if not for their kids.
I’ll check out Harris’ work. Depending upon what you mean by “turns out” we might be closer than you think. In most families, there is an inevitable point at which a parent’s influence and level of intervention drops dramatically. It seems logical that the later in life this occurs, the less time a child (or adult) will have to build himself on his own terms.
I found myself agreeing with both of these arguments. This has become such a divisive topic, as is anything involving children’s well-being, but I think both points were well made and respectful. I am a stay at home mom right now. For me this choice was essential for my own mental health and my family’s. I think it might have killed me to go back to work after the meager few weeks of unpaid leave I was offered. But I also understand how lucky I am to have had a choice to leave the workforce. I agree that the world is a better place when mothers infiltrate every possible field. It would be better still if flexible work opportunities were more accessible for mothers, so that more of us could pursue work we’re passionate about without having to sacrifice so much time at home, especially with very young children.
It is indeed a complex issue. This debate only scratches the surface.
I was homeschooled k-12 as were siblings. My cousins ranged from daycare at 3 months with 2 working parents, to a SAHM and public school.
We are all fine, adults making our way in the world. Because our parents loved us and we shared a faith and a culture that sustained us. (In this case, Christian Puerto Ricans)
It's normal for moms who sacrifice for their kids to feel defensive no matter what the nature of the sacrifice. But it's not necessary. Less martyrdom would be ideal. And that would require people to keep their rude little comments and snide little judgments to themselves. A tall order I know!
Parenting and family are the bedrocks. But lately both seem to be great sources of stress. The question of daycare should be whether these pillars can support it or not.
I mean... usually the question of daycare is a question of finances. Cold hard cash. Because my mom didn't work we had to live 5 kids in a 3 bedroom apartment in an area that wasnt all that nice. Local schools were garbage so she homeschooled. My dad had 2 jobs. She cooked homemade meals and we read for hours- because there wasn't much else we COULD do for a few years there.
My cousins in daycare had backyards, they had gardens, they were on safe blocks in safe neighborhoods. They got to play outside. But they also ate a lot of chicken nuggets. And yeah, they saw their mom less often and they watched a lot of Pokémon.
I promise you in adulthood, you really don't see a difference.
Most people don't live adorable rich people trad lives. Tradeoffs are part of adulthood. I don't trust people who claim you can have everything. You can't. And you can have a good life anyway.
This was an incredibly thoughtful post. I appreciate the statement: mom’s in the workforce. For children to aspire to be but also having more empathetic and relatable providers.
I’m an infant feeding specialist and now after having my son I have such a different outlook at work when it comes to supporting families and their teeny tiny babies.